So, a new year. All clean and shiny and new smelling, all plumped up with possibilities. Just waiting to be dirtied and deflated. Wow, that sounds pessimistic, but I guess it reflects some of how I am feeling. The new year gets all of us thinking about change, and it really gets me because I want to change so badly and yet I don’t know how. I feel like I have tried and failed too many times to even hope for change. And I’m 25, which just seems way too young to be giving up. I guess at the core of it is the fact that I am somewhat ambivalent about change. I go back and forth between feeling like I just need to accept who I am, I just need to get ok with that person and learn to tell the rest of the world to buzz off if they don’t like it and feeling like I need to become a better person, that who I am deep down is too bad to be accepted and that I must instead constantly strive to be a better person. I bought a postcard that reads, “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” And so much of me agrees so whole heartedly. Yes, I need to create the person I want to be. Compassionate, selfless, patient, spiritual, healthy- I can make myself into those things. And then, all of a sudden, the whole thing takes on an air of “The Talented Mr. Ripley”. Is there just something weird about creating who you are, like some person in the witness protection program or the poor boy at the rich boarding school that must hide his humble beginnings? Why can’t I just be the sort of person who is intrinsically good? I feel like I have spent years turning around and around trying to find the why and at the end of it all, I have no answer and must wonder if the whole thing was a waste of time. Does the why matter? Does it matter why I look out for myself more quickly than I look out for others when I should be doing the reverse? Does it matter why I blow little criticisms out of proportion until they are attacks on my character? Does it matter why I get so frustrated with people on the metro, on the street, in traffic? Does it matter why I have no patience, no inner serenity, no sense that the world will keep turning on its axis if I unclench just the tensiest little bit? If I had the answers, if someone handed me a book entitled, “Why You Are the Way You Are”, would it make it all easier? Would it make change possible? Or is the reality that change is always hard and these things are just my excuses?
Anyway, before I get stuck on a mental loop, I should get to the point: There are things in my life about which I am not happy. And I’m going to try and get over this whole debate of self-acceptance vs. self-improvement and change those things to make myself happier. But, here’s the catch: I am horrible at self-control, self-discipline, all those “selfs”. I need outside accountability, but I can’t bring myself to ask the people in my life for help without feeling pathetic (I’m too weak to change on my own, will you help me?) so I’m doing the healthy thing and getting accountability from the internet and total strangers. Except that I don’t even have total strangers, just empty, empty internet space:) Oh well, it will have to do.
So, in the spirit of 2007, the year of accountability, here are my goals:
1) Figure out the job thing. Decide to stay and find ways to get happy or decide to leave and find something else. For real this time. Get your resume updated, send it out, all those things, not just looking!!
2) Become a financially responsible grownup. Pay all bills on time, get rid of debts, don’t spend money you don’t have, all that jazz. Make 2007 the year that you stop being ashamed and start being proud of your financial skills and situation. Recognize that not dealing with things and the unknowns that result stress you out way more than the reality of dealing with the situation.
3) Make reasonable goals about the house and keep them. I need to accept that the house won’t be perfect and that a lack of perfection is not an excuse for a lack of effort. It doesn’t have to pass the white glove test, it just needs to be clean and organized enough that I feel comfortable having people over.
4)Get out more! Try new things, meet new people, accept that it will be scary for you at first and that it will get better. As the plaque I received for Christmas says, “Put on your big girl panties and just deal with it!” Depend less on the husband and more on friends and self.
5) Keep in touch with people better, particularly old friends. I was thinking a blog would be a good way to do that, but this is already too revealing to share with people, so I guess I’ll have to come up with a new blog for that!
6) Get healthier and naturally happier. Eat better, exercise more, hang out with Rory less, all that good stuff.
I’ll keep updating as I make progress!
